The Hanging Chad

October 24th, 2008

You thought this would be another political post, right?  I won’t give you anymore of that shit for at least another two weeks. The shit, this time, is shit. Many of you know my fondness for bathroom humor. Many of you have also requested posts not about the economy or politics. I give you my Poophimisms:

The Ghost–you’ve crapped, you know you crapped, yet there is no evidence in the bowl. Where did that poo go?

The Double Feature–you poop, wipe, get up and button your pants. Uh-oh, time to sit back down again.

The Schvitz–after a steamy, hot shower you need to shit. The seat is wet and your flesh is soft, thus creating a seal around the throne. This is my least favorite dump.

The SaTURDay Matinee–you have your morning coffee later than usual. Perhaps you slept in and took a leisurely breakfast. It is now after noon and you have your first seating of the day. Be careful of this on Sunday. It can carryover and disrupt your Monday morning constitutional.

The Bowl Winder–A classic. This is a long, healthy turd curves with a gothic sway only fiber can produce.

The Cork–This unfortunate little hard pebble precedes a deluge of ass water.  You didn’t even know you had diarrhea. Get ready to sit and wipe for a long time.

And speaking of wiping:

The Freebie–you’ve dropped some friends off at the pool, yet the paper is clean upon wiping. Score!

The Costly–a small, modest crap has been produced yet you use half a roll of TP during clean up. Bad for the environment and your budget.

The Spackle–too much fried food takes its toll on your stool resulting in a brown paste that just won’t detach from dorsal area.

Feel free to dump your own contributions here.

As if I needed another reason to move to Canada

September 24th, 2008

It’s not unusual for me to begin a post critical of America, or specifically the current administration. This time is no different, but my ire is especially torqued for explosion.

The economy. The bail outs. The foreclosures. And now, the extortion by the Bernanke and Paulsin. Disgusted, frightened, and livid are the words I’d use to describe not only my typical anti-gov. sentiment, but also the feelings of most, evenly-tempered Americans. Popjack has a very illuminating post and NPR link on this very topic. Check it out here.

Clearly, as a socialist, I have no theoretical problem with government involvement in business. Think of it as lazy fair. I want stability and security from my country and therefore think it’s important to have a strong, centralized economy. This, however, runs in direct opposition to our free market ideology, and what’s worse is that Republican and like-minded conservatives, who cringe at any mention of socialized programs, are not only responsible for the current economic crisis, but are demanding, blackmailing actually, redress through socialist means.

By assuring a recession (as if we weren’t already in one) if Congress fails to pass the $700b bailout bill, Paulson and Bernanke are extorting America. They are well aware of the power their words carry and are now using that to remedy the bad business practices they put into place themselves with unregulated, unguaranteed and unsupervised loans, subprime interest rates and the mind-numbingly complex securities fiasco that chops, slices, dices and splinters our investments (that’s right, me and you, our pensions, 401K’s and retirement portfolios) into minute portions, spread throughout the globe. Much of the securities industry can’t even be bailed out or fixed because it’s impossible to regulate internationally backed banks.

To add insult to injury, this gruesome twosome wants the fix-it money with no questions asked, and no Congressional revisions to the bill. Democrats who have added other measures to the bill (salary caps of $400k to CEO’s being bailed out, “help” for those in foreclosure, and a larger controlling stake in the rescued companies) have been villianized by the corporate media, in headlines like “Dems turn 3-page bailout plan into 40-page document”. As if signing away $700b comes with less paperwork than my out-of-network doctor visit.

My reaction is predictable. I’m outraged that, as Popjack said, failure is rewarded for the rich. But for the first time, I’m also afraid. I’m afraid of what this downward spiraling economy means to me, homeowning, job security and retirement savings. I still don’t know what’s ahead for all of us.

The two bright, small but bright, lights on the horizon are Warren Buffet and the November election. Buffet, in my opinion, can do no wrong as both a trusted investor and a philanthropist who, unlike his wealthy peers, thinks about the rest of us. And the election, if it goes in our favor (to answer my question from the previous post, yes, I’m voting for Obama) will have, I predict, a very favorable influence on international markets, American consumer confidence, and will stabilize Wall Street.

Until then, I’m keeping my assets in gold, namely my four fake teeth.

Obama bin Biden his time

August 23rd, 2008

I have no excuses. I’ve been doing nothing all summer. My brain said “no” to everything but a few books and movies. I thank you all for continuing to check in on my blog, and in honour of summer-long silence, I hereby lift the censor on politics.

Obama (I’m now pronouncing it O-bamm-a) really put my panties in a bunch with his campaign’s manipulation of the veep pick. We knew he was going to choose someone, so why did his strategists choose to hype it so shamelessly. Between the drawn out false leaks, the “get a text the second it happens” crap, and all the other calculated fanfare, when he announced it would be Biden, I thought Regis Philbin was going to ask him if “that was his final answer”.  Ugh.

I was disappointed Clinton didn’t get the nom. I was even more disappointed that Obama’s camp never really considered her on a split ticket. And any enthusiasm I have for Joe Biden (he’s a halfway decent dem, and speaks his mind) it’s been overshadowed by what I see as gimmicky political schtick on Obama’s part.

I’ve never fancied the idea of voting for him in November and I find myself wanting to vote for Nader–again.  I know Ralphie won’t win but I agree with almost every aspect of his platform. This is a sharp contrast to Obama who, lest we forget amid the “change craze of ‘08″, is a CENTRIST. But given eight years of the Bush Crime Family, I know many liberals feel the pressure to vote Democrat no matter who is on the ballot. I am a socialist and a far-leftist. Obama does not sit well with me.
This is exactly how our party has drifted to the right. Yes, I agree. King Bill started the push in that direction, and yet you may wonder how I could support Hillary whose voting record and strategies are nearly identical to Barack’s. Please refer to the posts entitled “Primary Instinct: V for Vagina, Victory and Vote” or “Woman is the N*gger of the World”. In a nutshell, I could vote for a female centrist whose presence would revive the long-dead dialogue of gender, misogyny and sexism. I don’t have a similar incentive to overlook Barack’s moderate politics.

That doesn’t mean I’ve disregarded the importance of Obama’s race, nor does it mean I think we live in a post-race society. Not at all.  I think it would be great to have any person (who is democrat) of color as chief executive, but nationally-speaking, racism is still a hot topic. The subject of ethnicity is in constant discursive practice. Race is debated frequently and that, at the very least, gives me hope that policies and minds will change along with it.

Discussions of gender and sex have disappeared from news shows, classrooms, and family dining tables. Feminism and the fight for gender equity hit a wall in the early 1980’s and never recovered, but the problems of sexism lingers on in all social spheres. That is why I would not only ignore Clinton’s moderate ways when voting for her, I would embrace my chance to restart a conversation this country’s needed to have for 25 years.

Shouldn’t I feel good about my vote? Convince me not (or maybe encourage me to) be a Nader Traitor again.

You’ll shoot your eye out, or something like that

May 14th, 2008

Having just celebrated my third Mother’s Day, I must say that I’m still getting used to the idea of being a parent. I do find myself, however, saying very old-timey, mom-like things. My students have remarked that it is called a “hoodie”, not a “sweat jacket”. And when Grace grabbed a sharp knife off the counter last week, I heard myself saying “You’re going to cut your fingers off, and then how would you feel? The kids will make fun of stumpy-handed Grace.”

Whether you have kids or not, I’m sure you find yourself uttering things your parents said, or perhaps you’ve come up with a few old lady-isms of your own. My folks had dozens of these, and some are clearly of a generation that wasn’t too concerned with child psychology.
From my mom“If you laugh for nothing, you’re going to cry for something.” (Loosely translated, this means “If your source of humor eludes me, you’ll probably be punished.”)

“You bet your sweet bippy.” (An intensified form of “Yes, absolutely.” Bippy, I assume, means “ass”. This is usually said in response to something like “Am I going to get spanked for laughing at nothing?”)

“Waste not, want not.” (From Depression-era parents who were shocked that I didn’t finish my Hamburger Helper.)

From my dad“You’re a pimple on the ass of progress.” (Obviously, an insult, but its exact translation is still unclear.)

“Hey, shit-for-brains, clean up your room or your ass is grass and I’m the lawn-mower.” (Clearly, the man had an ass fetish, but this threat only elicited laughs, not room-cleaning.)

These are just a few. “Heavens to Betsy”, won’t you please add your own and include any translation/footnotes that might be relevant.  And do it soon, for the “love of Pete”.

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